I Don’t Want to Know

I started this post in December.  It would take me hours to explain how I came to this place.  I don’t have the words to put it as succinctly as I would like, so may God use these words to express what is in my heart.

For every believer, the question of God’s will has to be at the forefront.  What does God have in store for me today?  Am I in His will today?  What would He have me do?

God told Abraham to move to a land that He would show him.  Abraham would have been frozen with fear if he knew what God was up to.  God’s plan for Abraham would have been too much for him to handle.  How would that conversation have gone?

God:  Abram, I am moving you to a new place.  It will be a place for my people to become a mighty nation.  You will have to wait until you are unbelievably old before I give you a son.  And when I finally do, I am going to ask you to sacrifice him.  Kings will try to steal your wife so you’ll need to lie to them and  say she is your sister.  Your nephew Lot will rebel and live in a city that I will have to destroy and he will escape with only the clothes on his back.

Abram:  That’s all pretty heavy stuff, Lord, but I will follow you or my name is not Abram.

God:  Yeah, about that…

Jesus commanded us to “take up our cross daily” and follow Him.  The life of a Christ follower is not one of personal gain or ambition.  It is answering to the will of the Father. Every day, I wake up and give Him my life.  Paul said that he no longer lives, but it is Christ who lives through him.

Jesus prayed to have the cup pass from Him, but He would do whatever the Father asked of Him.  Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.  Without a doubt, Jesus was not on Earth because He wanted to, but because His Father wanted Him to.

I remember as a teenager struggling with God’s plan for my life.  What does He want from me?  Where will I go?  God, please show me what you have for me.  I want to know your plan for my life.  Give me some kind of clue of what my future will look like.

My entire life prepared me for October 14, 2010.  All the church camps, Vacation Bible Schools, Youth Mission Trips, mentoring relationships, college experiences, Sunday School classes, and personal devotionals prepared me for that day.  I had no idea that day was coming.  Never in a million years would I have thought that cancer would invade my life.  If I had seen that day coming, I would have fought with God the entire way.

The doctors knew what we were up against.  They didn’t tell us.  Statistically, people do not survive pancreatic cancer.  Each year sees 38,000 new cases of pancreatic cancer.  Each year sees 31,000 patients die.  The odds were not in our favor, but they did not tell us that.  To be honest, I am glad.  I did not need to know that.

I entered into the fight with a blind ignorance that depended on God to bring me through each day.  The last eleven months I spent with Beth were the best months of our entire marriage.  Had I known they were our last ones together, I would have missed it all.  I would have shaken my fist at Heaven and dragged my feet all the way.  Frozen in fear and doubt, I would have been worthless to Beth and the kids.  I did not need to know.

No longer do I ask what the future holds.  I don’t want God to give me a detailed map of where He is taking me or for what He is preparing me.  Trusting Him completely, I will not worry about tomorrow, because today has enough troubles of its own.  He will be there for me.  Just as always.  Even to the ends of the earth.